Something You Forgot But I Remember

furby_dutz @ 2006-07-11T20:55:00

2006-07-12T00:58:12Z

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now. (Don't we all)	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses. (contacts)	× I love to play video games. (hate em)	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies. (to laugh at)	✓ I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. (oh hell yes I have)	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (usually, not always)
✓ I curse sometimes. (you mean all the time)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

* * * * *

× I have broken someone's bones.	✓ I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.	× I hate the rain. (love it)
✓ I'm paranoid at times. (only all the time)	× I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.	✓ I need/want money right now.
✓ I love sushi.	× I talk really, really fast.	× I have fresh breath in the morning.
× I have long hair. (very short.)	× I have lost money in Las Vegas.	✓ I have at least one sibling. (two sisters)
× I was born in a country outside of the U.S.	× I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.	× I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
× I like the way that I look.	✓ I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months. (...sometimes you have to lie to protect yourself)	✓ I am usually pessimistic. (ask anyone)
✓ I have a lot of mood swings.	× I think prostitution should be legalized.	× I slept with a roommate.
× I have a hidden talent.	× I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.	✓ I have a lot of friends. (more acquaintances than anything else)
✓ I have pecked someone of the same sex. (I wonder what "pecked" is. But... I might've?)	✓ I enjoy talking on the phone.	× I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
✓ I love to shop and/or window shop. (window shopping > spending money)	× I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.	× I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
✓ I have a mobile phone.	× I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.	✓ I've rejected someone before.
✓ I currently like/love someone. (Oh, we never stop loving.)	✓ I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.	✓ I want to have children in the future.
✓ I have changed a diaper before.	× I've called the cops on a friend before.	× I'm not allergic to anything.
✓ I have a lot to learn.	× I am shy around the opposite sex.	✓ I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
✓ I have at least 5 away messages saved.	✓ I have tried alcohol or drugs before.	✓ I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past. (in the past past past past)
× I own the "South Park" movie.	× I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.	✓ I enjoy some country music. (KEYWORD BEING SOME)
✓ I would die for my best friends.	× I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.	× I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
✓ I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.	✓ I have dated a close friend's ex.	× I am happy at this moment.
× I'm obsessed with guys.	× Democrat.	× Republican.
✓ I don't even know what I am.	× I am punk rockish.	✓ I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
× I study for tests most of the time.	× I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.	× I can work on a car.
× I love my job(s).	× I am comfortable with who I am right now.	× I have more than just my ears pierced.
✓ I walk barefoot wherever I can. (fuck shoes)	× I have jumped off a bridge.	× I love sea turtles.
× I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.	× I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.	× I am proficient on a musical instrument.
× I hate office jobs.	× I went to college out of state.	× I am adopted.
× I am a pyro.	✓ I have thrown up from crying too much.	✓ I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
✓ I fall for the worst people.	× I adore bright colours.	× I usually like covers better than originals. (I like them both usually)
× I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.	✓ I can pick up things with my toes.	× I can't whistle.
✓ I have ridden/owned a horse. (used to ride all the time...)	× I still have every journal I've ever written in.	✓ I talk in my sleep.
× I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.	✓ I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.	× I wear a toe ring.
× I have a tattoo.	× I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.	× I am a caffeine junkie.
× I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.	× If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.	× I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
× I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.	× I'm an artist.	× I am ambidextrous.
× I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.	× If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.	× I have terrible teeth.
× I hate my toes. (I love them...)	✓ I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.	× I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
× I have lived in either three different states or countries.	× I am extremely flexible.	✓ I love hugs more than kisses.
× I want to own my own business.	✓ I smoke. (...many things...but not straight cigarettes)	× I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
× Nobody has ever said I'm normal. (they have. But they didn't know what they were talking about)	✓ Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.	× I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
× I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.	✓ I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.	✓ I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
× I have played strip poker with someone else before.	✓ I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.	✓ I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
✓ I can't stand being alone. (no one understands just how much)	✓ I have at least one obsession at any given time. (usually a song)	✓ I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again. (ahem)
× I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.	✓ I'm a judgmental asshole.	× I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
× I have travelled on more than one continent.	× I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.	✓ I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
× I am a Libertarian.	✓ I can speak more than one language. (a little spanish?)	✓ I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be. (if I'm really fucking tired...like at school)
✓ I would rather read than watch TV.	× I like reading fact more than fiction.	✓ I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
✓ I have no piercings. (just don't care enough I guess)	× I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.	× I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
× I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.	✓ There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.	× I like most animals better than most people.
× I own a collection of retro games consoles.	✓ The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.	× I have hit someone with a dead fish.
× I am compulsively honest.	× I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.	× I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
× I have gone from wishing I was a girl to revelling in being a boy to feeling like a girl again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.	✓ I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.	× I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
× I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.	✓ I dislike milk.	× I obsessively wash my hands.
✓ I always carry something significant around with me. (jewelry)	× Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.	✓ I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
× Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.	× I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.	✓ I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
× I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.	✓ Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed. (depending on the problem)	× I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
× I do not 'get' most comedy acts.	✓ I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.	✓ I don't like to chew gum. (makes me feel like an asshole)
× I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.	× I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.	× I had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years. (people might argue with me on that one)
✓ I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)	× I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.	✓ I love to sing.
× I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.	× I have a custom-built computer.	× I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
× I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.	× I've gone skinny-dipping.	× I've performed in three plays.
✓ I enjoy burritos.	× I'm Irish and loving it.	× I have a thing for redheads.
× I am a twin!	× Most of the times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.	✓ Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
✓ I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.	✓ I sleep more than 12 hours a day. (sometimes)	✓ I wish I could be prouder of what I've accomplished, but it's never enough. (I haven't accomplished much.)
× I need more time to myself.	× I wish I was more open-minded.	× I hope that I go really prematurely grey.
✓ I download songs from the internet.	× I've just reenacted chapter 58 of Death Note with my best friend.	✓ I say random things to freak people out.
× I'm still a little mad about the ending of Death Note.	✓ I love playing Truth or Dare.	× I love listening to slow music, but I hate singing to it.
✓ Music helps me remember that I am not alone. (and sometimes the opposite)	× Playing my favorite sport makes me temporarily forget my problems.	✓ I think this survey is particularly long.
× I prefer my LJ friends to my real-life ones.	✓ I can only hate someone that I love.	× I've ordered an extra two shots of espresso to an Americano at Starbucks.

furby_dutz @ 2005-10-03T19:21:00

2005-10-03T23:22:27Z

Thanks for being my friend.

Fucker.

VAST - Flames

2005-10-03T05:31:53Z

Close your eyes
let me touch you now.
Let me give you something that is real.

Close the door
leave your fears behind.
Let me give you what you're giving me.

You are the only thing
that makes me want to live at all.

Oh when I am with you
there's no reason to pretend.
And when I am with you
I feel flames again.

Just put me inside you
I would never ever leave.

Just put me inside you
I would never ever leave...

you....

Heh

2005-07-14T01:15:50Z

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Well, I guess I've turned into a bad person... or worse, anyway.

Wow, shit.

2005-07-04T04:47:36Z

I looked over the past entries in this diary and... shit.

SHIT.

I've changed so much. I wish I was what I was before though....

Ever since what David did (and if you're reading this and I have to explain then you probably shouldn't be reading), I've been completely different.

I'm not me.

I repress everything. I know now... that I do. I am not honest with anyone, let alone myself. I hate... everything.

When someone tells you you're ugly and not worth it so many times, you begin to believe it. I loved him. I trusted him. He told me truth, and I accepted it.

It's shaped me to become manipulative and strange. I don't handle things well, but I don't even admit that to myself anymore... until now. A recent event opened my eyes.

I just lie to myself, I just lied to myself. I'm afraid to venture beyond what everyone else sees because it can't possibly be good. It would make everyone hate me as much as David did for showing him myself.

I'm just afraid.

Everyone... everyone told me I was bad for showing how I felt and being honest. I can't help it if I'm depressed... and I don't want to censor myself but I guess nowadays I have to.

Before a few months ago I have NEVER had a panick attack.

But it's getting worse.

I need to go back to therapy.

I need someone to help me.

furby_dutz @ 2004-12-05T19:18:00

2004-12-06T00:31:06Z

HAHAHAHAHAH!!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

retaking this test...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

furby_dutz @ 2004-09-16T02:40:00

2004-09-16T06:40:32Z

You're a Winter. You very much enjoy your time
alone but do like other people's company
sometimes. You just need your space. You have a
few priviledged friends who saw past your
colder exterior to find the true you. You can
have pretty bad mood swings (though you hate to
admit it) so you could be soft one second then
storming around the next! But over all, you're
a very pleasant person once people take the
time to get to know you. You're a good friend
for in-depth talks. You're very talanted when
it comes to creative things.

What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

furby_dutz @ 2004-09-16T02:34:00

2004-09-16T06:34:41Z

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins
the journey into the unknown. To do this, he
does not regard the world he knows as firm and
fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard
for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is
seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the
sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In
order to explore and expand, one must disregard
convention and conformity. Those in the throes
of convention look at the unconventional,
non-conformist personality and think What a
fool. They lack the point of view to understand
The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in
tradition as one who is closest to the spirit
world. In many tribal cultures, those born with
strange and unusual character traits were held
in awe. Shamans were people who could see
visions and go on journeys that we now label
hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with
physical differences had experience and
knowledge that the average person could not
understand. The Fool is God. The number of the
card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect
circle. This circle represents both emptiness
and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by
mountains and valleys or by his physical body.
He does not accept the appearance of cliff and
air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary
DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

furby_dutz @ 2004-09-03T14:35:00

2004-09-03T18:36:09Z

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

PICTURES!!

2004-08-25T20:09:40Z

This, I drew

Everyone I hang out with at lunch...

Haha, me, Arpil, Jared, and Sheridan.

Something else I drew....

Haha Sheridan....

Lol this is this guy Macklin in my Algebra class.... We were styling his hair.

Hehe this is Christian....

That's the back of Jonathan's hair (GRRR Jonathan) being picked by Elli.

HAHA IT'S ME SLEEPING IN CLASS!!!

Lol, Jenna taking a picture of herself....

Hehe I got these pics at www.photobucket.com.

furby_dutz @ 2004-08-14T12:37:00

2004-08-14T16:37:17Z

You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

Still

2004-07-21T21:26:02Z

When nothing happens, and there is nothing to occupy your mind, you think. And everything becomes so still, so... unreal, that it makes your mind sick.

Laura calls this the stillness. When there is nothing keeping your mind from realizing the harsh reality and becoming terribly sad....

And all you see is darkness. You can't see any beauty in anything.

~*~*~*~

The meaning of my screenname, furby_dutz: When I was really really young, I babbled A LOT. My name, Hollis, was taken after a close friend of my mom's (big Hollis). One day someone asked me what my name was, and I replied, "Furby dutz!" That's riiiiiiiight, before furbys came out, I knew about them. (just kidding). I had a name for everyone, apparently. I can't remember it though. My dad told me about it.

So, I'm furby dutz, the troll! Obey my command!!! (CRICKETS!!)

Purpose

2004-07-20T20:05:04Z

What is the purpose of life?

To live.

Is... that a purpose?

If you want it to be.

What is the truth?

There is no truth. As long as you believe in something, truly believe in it, it is truth. This is the real truth.

Your only purpose in life is to live and try to make the best of it. Enjoy life while you still have it.

Every day you could die. Every day there is a chance you could kill yourself. The people that realize this are the people that stand apart. That don't think like mindless drones. The people that think for themselves and aren't guided through their lives. At times this can be considered good, that you think for yourself, but many times that truth is too painful.

And they die.

Hello, hello

2004-07-20T19:57:06Z

The last few days have been very hectic. I don't want to explain it all here, so just go check out my other diary (which I am now still updating). Link: http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D240426

See if that works....

Welp, ok, I'll see you later....

I suppose I should talk about my trip

2004-07-15T17:12:48Z

My trip to Virginia was fun. I went on a roller coaster (finally!) and I got a really hilarious picture of me on it too. In Water Country USA, I went on the biggest slides and all, even though there was like an hour-long line. Kay and Carson were too afraid to go on anything.

In Quebec City, it was... fun? There wasn't really much to do. I went to see the Citadel, and that was awesome, but really it's just a really beautiful city. They were having this music festival and stuff too, so.... Damn. You wouldn't believe how many French-Canadian punks there are. It was actually kind of funny. Woot, I saw this one girl with her blue hair (like down to her waist, bitch!) all sticking straight up in a mohawk. Fwoooo!!! That would be so... time-consuming!! I wonder how she sleeps on it!

Yesterday I talked online to Kelly. You know what? I take back all that shit I said about her. She's pretty okay. And Jessica's mad at me too. About three months ago she really pissed me off, and I wrote about it and really bashed on her. Now she's mad at me. Well, just for the record, I changed my mind about her a long time ago. She's very sensitive, but she's also very loving.

I also talked to Melissa online yesterday. She says she hasn't decided whether she hates me or not. I was supposed to meet her here at the library, but she's not here yet. I'm supposed to give her her CD back.

Last night I talked to David. He was really pissing me off because I... all right, let me explain something about David. He doesn't open up. He thinks feelings are something you should keep to yourself. He calls them "Personal Issues", and leaves it at that. I know he has feelings, but it's like he doesn't want me to know.

Well anyway, I was talking about Melissa and suicide and a lot of other things and he kept interrupting saying, "Oh, brother." I was looking to him to let me lean on him for a little while. Maybe find some comfort. But he didn't want me to.... So I got mad and told him how it always seems like he doesn't care and it's not healthy to keep feelings in, and blah blah blah. Then I said, "If I killed myself, what would you do?" He replied, "I'm not going to answer that question because you would never kill yourself." And we went on and on like that for a while, until finally he frustrated me so much, I just hung up on him.

I feel bad for Melissa. I don't think she realized yet that David is feeling-phobic. But if I told her, she'd just think I was trying to steal her boyfriend or something, so maybe it's best if she figured it out for herself.

Boy, am I tired.

People

2004-07-14T17:20:17Z

People are mean. They are cruel. They don't care.

Really all one cares about is themselves. Now tell me: would you kill yourself to save the people you love? A lot of people I know wouldn't. Because they're selfish.

Maybe I just hang around the wrong crowd. Maybe there are some truly selfless people out there.

And at times it seems so disgusting, so dirty, so... MORBID, I feel like letting go, because I forget: there is beauty in most everything living. MOST everything.

There are people who don't care. Only care about themselves. That is the ugliest one can get. Those are the people who lack the beauty that everyone should have.

The true light-bearers are those that are completely selfless. That would give their lives for a friend in a heartbeat.

Life is fragile. Life is only rewarding if you can improve the lives of the people around you. But the selfish people many times either take advantage of it, or don't appreciate it at all.

Don't be selfish. Appreciate all that people try to do for you.

I feel sick

2004-07-14T16:46:24Z

If you haven't already looked at my old diary on opendiary.com, please do. It will explain a lot in this entry....

Melissa still hates me. HATES MY FUCKING GUTS. For no goddamn reason. She said I thought I knew everything and nobody actually liked me and her stupid cousin Jessica cursed me out (I don't really care about Jessica).... Really the whole point of this online diary was so I could have one that Melissa wouldn't see. Yesterday I got hopeful when Laura read me notes on that old diary, and Melissa said she missed me--I was going to make up with her. But now she just COMPLETELY changed her mind.

*sigh*....

It's really driving me crazy. The whole trip in Quebec and Virginia, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I had a bad dream where she tried to kill me.

It really is driving me crazy. I fell into this deeeeep depression and almost killed myself. I'm better, but still....

The whole reason this happened was because of David. (Please read other diary...!).

And really the only friends I have left are Laura, Mark, Ren, and David. David... I can just tell he's going to eventually fade out of my life.... And Laura goes to another school and so does Mark and Ren's moving back to um wherever he's from and I never get to see him anyway. So basically I'm pretty much alone.

And Cliff. There's Cliff. He won't even talk to me anymore.

Did I do something wrong?

I'm Here

2004-07-03T20:06:33Z

Hello. Well, this is my first entry.... Please excuse me if I bore you to death.

The only reason I started this diary is because there were too many old memories on my other one.... You can check it out at www.opendiary.com. The username is sprite.in.disguise

Well, I'm leaving tomorrow for Virginia, then up to Canada (Quebec), where I will have to speak French (All I know is Bonjour and Oui)!

In Virginia, I will visit a few relatives, and go to Busch Gardens, then Colonial Williamsburg....

In Quebec I don't know what the hell we're going to do. Apparently Quebec City has some historical merit, but that kind of stuff doesn't really interest me.

"Oh look a cannon! Doesn't that blow you away?"

"Can it shoot cannon balls?"

"Oh, no, it's been cemented shut, silly!"

Yeah that kind of thing really bores me.

Well, what's happened today? Nothing really. I just kinda sat around in my room listening to music as my dad yelled at me to start packing and clean my room and whatnot....

Oh... I suppose I should tell you: I don't have a computer. I have to go to the library to use computers. My dad should be getting one soon though, so never fear!

Hmmm....

-*Hollis*-