[11 Jul 2006|08:55pm] (Click here to post your own answers for this meme.) ✓ I miss somebody right now.  (Don't we all) ✓ I don't watch much TV these days. ✓ I own lots of books. ✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (contacts) × I love to play video games.  (hate em) ✓ I've tried marijuana. ✓ I've watched porn movies.  (to laugh at) ✓ I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.  (oh hell yes I have) ✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.  (usually, not always) ✓ I curse sometimes.  (you mean all the time) ✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. × I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. ( it goes on... ) post comment

[03 Oct 2005|07:21pm] Thanks for being my friend. Fucker. post comment

VAST - Flames [03 Oct 2005|01:26am] Close your eyes let me touch you now. Let me give you something that is real. Close the door leave your fears behind. Let me give you what you're giving me. You are the only thing that makes me want to live at all. Oh when I am with you there's no reason to pretend. And when I am with you I feel flames again. Just put me inside you I would never ever leave. Just put me inside you I would never ever leave... you.... post comment

Heh [13 Jul 2005|09:15pm] The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell! Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level Score Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low Level 2 (Lustful) High Level 3 (Gluttonous) Low Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Low Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Very High Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) Very High Level 7 (Violent) Extreme Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) High Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) High Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test Well, I guess I've turned into a bad person... or worse, anyway. post comment

Wow, shit. [04 Jul 2005|12:40am] I looked over the past entries in this diary and... shit. SHIT. I've changed so much. I wish I was what I was before though.... Ever since what David did (and if you're reading this and I have to explain then you probably shouldn't be reading), I've been completely different. I'm not me. I repress everything. I know now... that I do. I am not honest with anyone, let alone myself. I hate... everything. When someone tells you you're ugly and not worth it so many times, you begin to believe it. I loved him. I trusted him. He told me truth, and I accepted it. It's shaped me to become manipulative and strange. I don't handle things well, but I don't even admit that to myself anymore... until now. A recent event opened my eyes. I just lie to myself, I just lied to myself. I'm afraid to venture beyond what everyone else sees because it can't possibly be good. It would make everyone hate me as much as David did for showing him myself. I'm just afraid. Everyone... everyone told me I was bad for showing how I felt and being honest. I can't help it if I'm depressed... and I don't want to censor myself but I guess nowadays I have to. Before a few months ago I have NEVER had a panick attack. But it's getting worse. I need to go back to therapy. I need someone to help me. post comment

[05 Dec 2004|07:18pm] [ mood | Meowww ] HAHAHAHAHAH!! The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell! Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level Score Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Moderate Level 2 (Lustful) High Level 3 (Gluttonous) Moderate Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Low Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) High Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) Moderate Level 7 (Violent) Very High Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Very High Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) Moderate Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test retaking this test... Disorder Rating Paranoid: High Schizoid: Low Schizotypal: High Antisocial: Moderate Borderline: Very High Histrionic: High Narcissistic: High Avoidant: High Dependent: Very High Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate -- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- post comment

[16 Sep 2004|02:40am] You're a Winter. You very much enjoy your time alone but do like other people's company sometimes. You just need your space. You have a few priviledged friends who saw past your colder exterior to find the true you. You can have pretty bad mood swings (though you hate to admit it) so you could be soft one second then storming around the next! But over all, you're a very pleasant person once people take the time to get to know you. You're a good friend for in-depth talks. You're very talanted when it comes to creative things. What season are you? (pics) brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[16 Sep 2004|02:34am] You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins the journey into the unknown. To do this, he does not regard the world he knows as firm and fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In order to explore and expand, one must disregard convention and conformity. Those in the throes of convention look at the unconventional, non-conformist personality and think What a fool. They lack the point of view to understand The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in tradition as one who is closest to the spirit world. In many tribal cultures, those born with strange and unusual character traits were held in awe. Shamans were people who could see visions and go on journeys that we now label hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with physical differences had experience and knowledge that the average person could not understand. The Fool is God. The number of the card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect circle. This circle represents both emptiness and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by mountains and valleys or by his physical body. He does not accept the appearance of cliff and air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/ Which Tarot Card Are You? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[03 Sep 2004|02:35pm] Disorder Rating Paranoid: Moderate Schizoid: Low Schizotypal: Moderate Antisocial: Low Borderline: Very High Histrionic: High Narcissistic: Moderate Avoidant: Moderate Dependent: Very High Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate -- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- post comment

PICTURES!! [25 Aug 2004|03:58pm] This, I drew Everyone I hang out with at lunch... Haha, me, Arpil, Jared, and Sheridan. Something else I drew.... Haha Sheridan.... Lol this is this guy Macklin in my Algebra class.... We were styling his hair. Hehe this is Christian.... That's the back of Jonathan's hair (GRRR Jonathan) being picked by Elli. HAHA IT'S ME SLEEPING IN CLASS!!! Lol, Jenna taking a picture of herself.... Hehe I got these pics at www.photobucket.com. post comment

[14 Aug 2004|12:37pm] You represent... naivete. So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at times, but it's only because you're not sure how to act. You give off that "I need to be protected vibe." Remember that not all people are good. Being too trusting will get you easily hurt. What feeling do you represent? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

Still [21 Jul 2004|05:07pm] When nothing happens, and there is nothing to occupy your mind, you think.  And everything becomes so still, so... unreal, that it makes your mind sick.  Laura calls this the stillness.   When there is nothing keeping your mind from realizing the harsh reality and becoming terribly sad.... And all you see is darkness.  You can't see any beauty in anything.  ~*~*~*~ The meaning of my screenname, furby_dutz:  When I was really really young, I babbled A LOT.  My name, Hollis, was taken after a close friend of my mom's (big Hollis).  One day someone asked me what my name was, and I replied, "Furby dutz!"  That's riiiiiiiight, before furbys came out, I knew about them.  (just kidding).  I had a name for everyone, apparently.  I can't remember it though.  My dad told me about it.  So, I'm furby dutz, the troll!  Obey my command!!!  (CRICKETS!!) 2 comments|post comment

Purpose [20 Jul 2004|03:57pm] What is the purpose of life? To live.  Is... that a purpose? If you want it to be.  What is the truth? There is no truth.  As long as you believe in something, truly believe in it, it is truth.  This is the real truth. Your only purpose in life is to live and try to make the best of it.  Enjoy life while you still have it.  Every day you could die.  Every day there is a chance you could kill yourself.  The people that realize this are the people that stand apart.  That don't think like mindless drones.  The people that think for themselves and aren't guided through their lives.  At times this can be considered good, that you think for yourself, but many times that truth is too painful. And they die. 1 comment|post comment

Hello, hello [20 Jul 2004|03:53pm] The last few days have been very hectic.  I don't want to explain it all here, so just go check out my other diary (which I am now still updating).  Link:  http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D240426 See if that works.... Welp, ok, I'll see you later....  post comment

I suppose I should talk about my trip [15 Jul 2004|12:58pm] My trip to Virginia was fun. I went on a roller coaster (finally!) and I got a really hilarious picture of me on it too. In Water Country USA, I went on the biggest slides and all, even though there was like an hour-long line. Kay and Carson were too afraid to go on anything. In Quebec City, it was... fun? There wasn't really much to do. I went to see the Citadel, and that was awesome, but really it's just a really beautiful city. They were having this music festival and stuff too, so.... Damn. You wouldn't believe how many French-Canadian punks there are. It was actually kind of funny. Woot, I saw this one girl with her blue hair (like down to her waist, bitch!) all sticking straight up in a mohawk. Fwoooo!!! That would be so... time-consuming!! I wonder how she sleeps on it! Yesterday I talked online to Kelly. You know what? I take back all that shit I said about her. She's pretty okay. And Jessica's mad at me too. About three months ago she really pissed me off, and I wrote about it and really bashed on her. Now she's mad at me. Well, just for the record, I changed my mind about her a long time ago. She's very sensitive, but she's also very loving. I also talked to Melissa online yesterday. She says she hasn't decided whether she hates me or not. I was supposed to meet her here at the library, but she's not here yet. I'm supposed to give her her CD back. Last night I talked to David. He was really pissing me off because I... all right, let me explain something about David. He doesn't open up. He thinks feelings are something you should keep to yourself. He calls them "Personal Issues", and leaves it at that. I know he has feelings, but it's like he doesn't want me to know. Well anyway, I was talking about Melissa and suicide and a lot of other things and he kept interrupting saying, "Oh, brother." I was looking to him to let me lean on him for a little while. Maybe find some comfort. But he didn't want me to.... So I got mad and told him how it always seems like he doesn't care and it's not healthy to keep feelings in, and blah blah blah. Then I said, "If I killed myself, what would you do?" He replied, "I'm not going to answer that question because you would never kill yourself." And we went on and on like that for a while, until finally he frustrated me so much, I just hung up on him. I feel bad for Melissa. I don't think she realized yet that David is feeling-phobic. But if I told her, she'd just think I was trying to steal her boyfriend or something, so maybe it's best if she figured it out for herself. Boy, am I tired. 1 comment|post comment

People [14 Jul 2004|01:00pm] People are mean. They are cruel. They don't care. Really all one cares about is themselves. Now tell me: would you kill yourself to save the people you love? A lot of people I know wouldn't. Because they're selfish. Maybe I just hang around the wrong crowd. Maybe there are some truly selfless people out there. And at times it seems so disgusting, so dirty, so... MORBID, I feel like letting go, because I forget: there is beauty in most everything living. MOST everything. There are people who don't care. Only care about themselves. That is the ugliest one can get. Those are the people who lack the beauty that everyone should have. The true light-bearers are those that are completely selfless. That would give their lives for a friend in a heartbeat. Life is fragile. Life is only rewarding if you can improve the lives of the people around you. But the selfish people many times either take advantage of it, or don't appreciate it at all. Don't be selfish. Appreciate all that people try to do for you. post comment

I feel sick [14 Jul 2004|12:38pm] If you haven't already looked at my old diary on opendiary.com, please do. It will explain a lot in this entry.... Melissa still hates me. HATES MY FUCKING GUTS. For no goddamn reason. She said I thought I knew everything and nobody actually liked me and her stupid cousin Jessica cursed me out (I don't really care about Jessica).... Really the whole point of this online diary was so I could have one that Melissa wouldn't see. Yesterday I got hopeful when Laura read me notes on that old diary, and Melissa said she missed me--I was going to make up with her. But now she just COMPLETELY changed her mind. *sigh*.... It's really driving me crazy. The whole trip in Quebec and Virginia, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I had a bad dream where she tried to kill me. It really is driving me crazy. I fell into this deeeeep depression and almost killed myself. I'm better, but still.... The whole reason this happened was because of David. (Please read other diary...!). And really the only friends I have left are Laura, Mark, Ren, and David. David... I can just tell he's going to eventually fade out of my life.... And Laura goes to another school and so does Mark and Ren's moving back to um wherever he's from and I never get to see him anyway. So basically I'm pretty much alone. And Cliff. There's Cliff. He won't even talk to me anymore. Did I do something wrong? post comment

I'm Here [03 Jul 2004|03:54pm] Hello. Well, this is my first entry.... Please excuse me if I bore you to death. The only reason I started this diary is because there were too many old memories on my other one.... You can check it out at www.opendiary.com. The username is sprite.in.disguise Well, I'm leaving tomorrow for Virginia, then up to Canada (Quebec), where I will have to speak French (All I know is Bonjour and Oui)! In Virginia, I will visit a few relatives, and go to Busch Gardens, then Colonial Williamsburg.... In Quebec I don't know what the hell we're going to do. Apparently Quebec City has some historical merit, but that kind of stuff doesn't really interest me. "Oh look a cannon! Doesn't that blow you away?" "Can it shoot cannon balls?" "Oh, no, it's been cemented shut, silly!" Yeah that kind of thing really bores me. Well, what's happened today? Nothing really. I just kinda sat around in my room listening to music as my dad yelled at me to start packing and clean my room and whatnot.... Oh... I suppose I should tell you: I don't have a computer. I have to go to the library to use computers. My dad should be getting one soon though, so never fear! Hmmm.... -*Hollis*- post comment

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